You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
