Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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