so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
