I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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