i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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