So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
