you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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