I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
please don't ironically join a cult
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