i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
