I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
