at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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