i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Couch. On fire.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
