On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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