I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
