Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
