im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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