Apparently you make a good broom.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
