I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
