I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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