I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
