I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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