Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
