They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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