So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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