There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
