Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
