Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
