Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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