went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
