Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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