You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Randomize
