I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
