Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
