I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
