I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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