I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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