Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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