dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
