So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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