I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
