I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
