My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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