Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
