Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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