Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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