the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
