Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
should my penis look like a turkey
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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