My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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