Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
