i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
